Suddenly, one day, it struck me; I should warn my self that all I write is pureunadulteratedfictio,
not unlike dream material. Even as some names seem to correspond with actual reallifepeople, in reality, it only seems that way. For example, the barbie doll is not the barbie doll of your known acquaintance. Even the name barbie doll doesn't reflect the true state of affairs, because what I'm actually trying to tell you is what birds can. As a further example, if I'd said citizen Kooshch, you'd be confused by a sudden unexplained revulsion to foreign languages of which you were not properly warned!
Vlad, Bush and (the excluded) Julia, were three runts of a litter that got separated at birth to be sent to various families for adjustments. Being puppies with papers, really upset a number of supposed possibilities that weren't forseen for them. Thus, they became clowns with various funny titles and outfits that've been handed down from slightly higher.
I hope you get my drift. FICTIOn. Ja?
la cigarette
Monday, July 14, 2008
Friday, June 27, 2008
Monday, June 9, 2008
Friday, June 6, 2008
Thursday, June 5, 2008
dream on
Once upon a time
My body began to tremble, and with a shortness of breath I began a faint.
Suddenly, planet-wide, all t.v. programs changed and a somber voice spoke: “We now interrupt all programs world-wide to bring you this somewhat unusual announcement. At this moment in an undisclosed location a strange birth is happening. The mother in this birth is a one year old girl, and, we are told the father is the same age – a one year old boy. We will keep interrupting all programming world-wide to keep you informed of this most unusual event.”.
With a soft click all channels returned to their interrupted programs. Everywhere, said programs were again stopped, and local officials of respective stations appeared. All seemed, quite rightly, confused, apologetic, and in most cases, angry.
The spokesperson at CNN said it best: “Ladies and gentlemen, we apologize for this unexplainable interruption.” Looking at his notes, he continued, “It might be too early to speak of this, but our sources say that the brief message aired on this station just seconds ago was indeed aired world-wide. So it appears. Who, and more importantly, how, this was done on this scale is at this time unknown. The message itself seems ludicrous, and if I may say so, obscene. This has to be…”, at which point he and everybody else on all other channels disappeared and the voice once again spoke.
“People of the world. I am back to inform you that the birth is the happiest moment in the lives of the girl-boy mother-father. The infant, who, understandably, is quite tiny, at the moment of birth said in a loud and mature voice “please hurry and put me in a Petri-dish. Thank you.” A marvelously original story which unfolds in increasingly unheard of ways. I shall keep you informed.”.
At this point I would venture to say that on a massive scale, people were at least as stunned as I was. I don’t watch t.v. too much, so to me this seemed like a pretty crazy movie. Maybe that’s all it was; a movie whose title I’d missed.
The earlier CNN spokesperson had been replaced by a more responsible face, saying “again, ladies and gentlemen, we are here with this unprecedented story that evolves by the moment. We are now certain that all t.v. stations world-wide are experiencing these program breaks, in each country the astounding and unbelievable news being brought in the language of that country. The story is extremely unstable from two perspectives: we at CNN have already been notified by various government agencies of the extreme sensitivity of this event for security reasons. The other perspective, concerning the ages of the alleged mother/father is equally disturbing for the simple reason that it’s impossible to believe! These “parents” are one year old each!!! Who would spread such foul stories in such a manner? I ask you. I mean, this, to me, seems the most insidious and morally putrid act, for which whoever is responsible, and I’m sure there’s many many people behind this, should be dealt with in the severest form allowed by law! This is an outrage beyond…”
Again, with a soft click, the voice said: “people of the world. Obviously, we’ve known of this event for a long time. Longer than nine months. Through the voice of the mother, the infant let us know that certain people, besides the medically trained staff here to assist with the birth, needed to be at hand. These are reporters and t.v. crews, which amazingly enough, showed up on their own accord at precisely the right time, saying only that they knew.”. The screens world-wide suddenly came to life, showing a group of people as varied as a circus scene. The center of attention was a small group with microphones and t.v. cameras huddled around a small table. The voice explained: “People of the world. We are at the point of introducing you to the infant. The mother and father have modestly declined being interviewed on camera, saying only that their joy is boundless!”.
At this point a microphoned young woman wearing only eyeglasses spoke; “Yeah, isn’t this just too much?”. She was obviously extremely happy. Smiling ear to ear, she radiated her feelings of joie de vivre. “I’ve only but glimpsed the infant, but let me tell you, it’s beyond magic! Tiny tiny tiny. There’s a huge magnifying lens on one side of the Petri-dish, where the infant is on a cosmic jell. I kid you not! It told me so! Smiling so big, you wouldn’t believe it, and said ‘it’s cosmic jell’ to my question about the goop it was laying on. So, anyway, it made me so happy, such a beautiful voice, the infants’, like all the roses blushing… I tell you! And when I looked through the magnifier Lord, I pee’d myself. I just couldn’t help it. The infant looks like this tiny tiny tiny and beautiful beautiful beautiful Barbie Doll. With an, oh, I can’t stand it, with an erection! So relaxed and radiant and just so happy…”.
Suddenly, again with a soft click, the Senior CNN talking head appeared. Obviously also watching his monitor, he was slack-jawed when abruptly the scenes changed. For a long moment he just looked at the camera, visibly attempting to control his afce.face. He simply got up and walked away, turning back after a few steps. “This is the biggest outrage ever, Ladies and Gentlemen! Not only the content to which we are subjected! More disturbing is the fact that we don’t have any control over what’s going on! We can’t turn this program off!!! I’ve mentioned before the grave risk to security this event is exposing. It has come to our attention that the world governments are scrambling to find where this broadcast is coming from. We’ve been told to somehow stop it, turn it off or whatever! Anything! Nothing seems to work. From the highest sources we have been told that this is nothing but a smut movie broadcast by a new terrorist group from somewhere. That their aim is to psychologically disturb the wholesome masses with outrageous lies. And to subvert all communication networks. They seem to be succeeding. We can’t turn them off. We are told that it’s impossible to turn off any television set anywhere, and if your t.v. happens to be off, it turns on automatically whenever this “voice” comes on. The idea of having everybody destroy their television sets is being debated, but obviously that’s stupid; out whole culture is at stake here! At this moment officials at the highest levels are saying that, we, the people, have enough common sense, enough dignity and enough religious fervor to just know that a tiny Barbie Doll with an (and at this point the commentator turned sheet-white) erection and the sweetest voice (he grimaced) has to be a computer-generated trick of some very sick minds! We, at CNN, only wish to add that we sincerely hope that your children are not..” and again the soft click replaced him.
“People of the world (hereafter referred to as POtW or POW’s for short) as the young woman was saying earlier, the infant is tiny. We are at this moment helping him/her, as it appears that indeed the infant is hermaphroditic, into position, where it will be able to speak to us. This is an extremely delicate task, given the size of the baby. Another moment, yes , there, we are able now to show you the incredible baby.”, and a blurred image appeared, stabilizing in a second, to show a table with a round object in the middle. As the lens zoomed in, it became the Petri-dish, and as it zoomed closer, a tiny figure appeared.
Blank. Soft click, and the CNN spokesperson caught, this time, swearing. Turning red in the face, to the camera he said; “I don’t think I have to apologize, being made to see something I would never want to see on my own. Being forced to look at some sick minds’ creation, well fuck, this isn’t my idea of a joke! In these last half hour forty-five minutes, we’ve witnessed a profound miscarriage, or abuse, if you will, of the honorable institution known collectively as television. Now, don’t give me any lines about freedom of speech and artistic license! These freedoms apply only when the audience is voluntary. What we have here is a captive audience! POW’s he calls us!!! The nerve of these monsters!!!
I, for my self, was totally absorbed. Mesmerized. The whole idea of it all, I just couldn’t believe it! One year olds having a tiny, almost microscopic baby! My mind was spinning. Then the eyeglass lady who pee’d so easily! And… A perfect, tiny Barbie! Alive!!!
“Who in their right minds” CNN was continuing, “would want to see Barbie with an erection?”.
I only smiled at this old geezer.
“Ladies and Gentlemen, this just over the wire: Osama Bin Laden allegedly saying this whole “stunt” is the work of the White House to tarnish his good name. Will somebody please tell me what’s going on? Tarnished? Bin Ladens’ good name???
And with a soft click, there it was! A perfect tiny living Barbie, beaming a huge smile. The camera zoomed in on the face, and it cleared its’ throat. It said: “no name for me, please. Of necessity, we could use I.B. for Incredible Baby, ja?’, and the smile got even bigger and brighter… “So. We decided on this kind of a birth so that instantly everyone would know. THIS is something unusual, ja? My Mom and Dad just babies also. Ja? Impossible, ja? Well. Nothing is impossible. Everything si possible.”. Beautiful Barbie lips gliding over moist teeth as smile danced around. Eyes sparkling. “Everything. Even, supposedly intelligent people saying it’s a computer generated trick. This beautiful Barbie. Who needs a computer? Go to Wal Mart, that’s all. Well. The erection was a nice touch, ja?” The smile just hugely impish…
I was had. Totally. I was so in love with this living Barbie, I couldn’t believe it. As the screen again changed, I went and urinated in the kitchen sink.
“Who is this I.B. asshole?!? Telling us we’re supposedly intelligent!!! How do we stop this nonsense?”. CNN was getting agitated.
I.B.s’ face got serious. “You are in deep trouble. Everybody. The whole planet. I could tell you, but you wouldn’t believe it. Just like now. So many of you think this is a movie. Computer-generated junk. Who has the kind of technical computer knowledge to manipulate every television monitor in the world like this? I ask you, ja? And still, millions of you think this is a computer generated movie.”. Barbie was visibly getting sad.
I felt nervous. Something about movies, about how Barbie got serious. Then sad. Uneasy. And the guy at CNN. He was just doing his job, but was his reality really that narrow? Maybe I was just tired. I could hear the wind howling outside. Could feel the dust blowing through the harsh desert of the night.
A quiet click and CNN was back on.
“Ladies and Gentlemen, this is the toughest night I can remember. Improbable, is the word. A bunch of improbable fertilizer is the first impression. But we’ve been a captive audience for quite some time now, and that in and of itself says volumes. The different government agencies constantly on the line with us, that says volumes. The fact that the Internet doesn’t seem to be affected by this is interesting. The fact that over the last hour we have received zero e-mails from our viewing audience is downright disturbing! What’s going on out there? Are all of you so stunned, so intrigued, that the cat’s got your tongue? Do I need to unleash the Savage Michael on you to bring you back to your senses? Here’s this THING, this FREAK, this Barbie doll with a penis – hello?!? – a PENIS? – that’s tied up the entire television network of the WORLD, and not a peep out of you? What??? Are you buying into this b.s. that we’re in deep trouble? Speak to me , people. I can’t navigate this improbable b.s. by myself. It’s, I shouldn’t say this, in my position, with my experience, la de dah, but it’s too much, ja? Fuck! Now I’m even saying ‘ja’!”. The commentator glared at the camera, but you could see it, he was asking, in a strange way he was pleading; he was silently saying “please tell me this isn’t true”…
I was beginning to feel the same distance I’d feel when driving drunk, the same disconnect between body and mind. The setting in of numbness that you can’t control, and you catch yourself saying “oh well”. Was I gonna disconnect on I.B. also?
I.B. said “This whole movie thing, it’s what actually started the trouble a long time ago. Just like now you can’t believe what’s on t.v. in front of your eyes because it’s a movie, you got hooked when you began believing that the movie was real and the actor you was really you, when then, in reality, you were simply an actor in a movie. You’re actors in a movie watching a movie and thinking you’re real… But, I’m not Barbie I.B. to tell you that. To shake you out of these doldrums, to show you that indeed this show is the reality of now, I’m going to give you one more thing to consider.”
Again, a mischievous smile, a grin, appeared on I.B.s’ face, spreading, like fire to all around it. “Two minutes from now, at exactly 12:12 AM, every motor vehicle in the world will stop, ja? That, perhaps, will shake you out of your movie mode.”.
And I.B. was gone.
I began digging in my left nostril.
Cnn was furiously scared. He wanted to be furiously mad, but his eyes kept darting around here and there, as if looking for a place to hide. Sweat was on his forehead that technicians didn’t have time to wipe off.
I was considering. This was pretty much getting down to real time. Was it a movie holding me spellbound or not? In two minutes we’d all know. Just in case, I should tell Nica that I’d had a dream about Adolf and the Sacred Penis.
“So vivid I don’t know where what stops!”. CNN was fidgeting. Picking his nose. Apparently no longer aware that this was international t.v.. And dumbly, the crew kept real-time filming him…”So now in a minute and something, we can look out our windows to see if all cars have stopped. What have we been sucked into?!?”.
I.B. was absently thumbing his left nostril.
Something about the atmosphere around planet Earth; no matter where you were from, eventually you’d reach for the nose.
I was trying to figure out what kind of deep doo-doo we were in besides the obvious.
President Bush yelled at Putin on the other end of the Secure Phone Line (a.k.a. S.P.L.), spitting at his wife in the process, “You gay or what!?!”.
President Karzai secretly wished Hussein was still alive.
Paris Hilton smiled at herself in the mirror and then frowned.
The Israeli Parliament decided to gas all Palestinians. “We have the experience!” someone boasted.
In Philadelphia, the Viet Namese Mafia grabbed an Italian white girl off the street and took her to a basement where after repeatedly raping her they cut her head off and kept violating her, especially in the two new throat openings. They shot videos of all this and, along with a challenging note which, in so many words, said “if you boys still think you’re crazier than we are” delivered them to their Italian Mafia friends with whom turf wars were being fought.
At 12:12AM every vehicle on planet Earth stopped.
At CNN a dead silence as it became evident that tiny Barbie knew something new.
Paris Hilton moved her left foot.
President Putin yelled; “man, you a genius!”, to which Bush replied, gazing serenly at the ceiling, “Vlad, don’t be a fool! I have two daughters”. His wife fled. Grinning sheepishly, he added; “You know, we’re both short, Vlad.”. Vlad replied; “George. Today is a very lucky day for you. I put a virus in your ear, George, through the phone, George. And this virus is going to help you begin thinking. I know you think you know how to think, but you are mistaken. In a few days, George, you will see. It will hurt, and no longer will you be able to just be stupid… One day you will thank me, George. For this virus. Good bye.”. And Putin hung up. George slapped his knees, dropping the phone to the floor, and yelled after his fleeing wife “I should let him be the Head of the CIA!”.
I.B. said something about everybody getting vacuumed up to another planet resembling in every detail planet Earth, but unfortunately I woke up at this point, feeling a need for a cigarette. No matter how hard I tried to get back into the same dream later on, I couldn’t. The rest of the night was wasted.
My body began to tremble, and with a shortness of breath I began a faint.
Suddenly, planet-wide, all t.v. programs changed and a somber voice spoke: “We now interrupt all programs world-wide to bring you this somewhat unusual announcement. At this moment in an undisclosed location a strange birth is happening. The mother in this birth is a one year old girl, and, we are told the father is the same age – a one year old boy. We will keep interrupting all programming world-wide to keep you informed of this most unusual event.”.
With a soft click all channels returned to their interrupted programs. Everywhere, said programs were again stopped, and local officials of respective stations appeared. All seemed, quite rightly, confused, apologetic, and in most cases, angry.
The spokesperson at CNN said it best: “Ladies and gentlemen, we apologize for this unexplainable interruption.” Looking at his notes, he continued, “It might be too early to speak of this, but our sources say that the brief message aired on this station just seconds ago was indeed aired world-wide. So it appears. Who, and more importantly, how, this was done on this scale is at this time unknown. The message itself seems ludicrous, and if I may say so, obscene. This has to be…”, at which point he and everybody else on all other channels disappeared and the voice once again spoke.
“People of the world. I am back to inform you that the birth is the happiest moment in the lives of the girl-boy mother-father. The infant, who, understandably, is quite tiny, at the moment of birth said in a loud and mature voice “please hurry and put me in a Petri-dish. Thank you.” A marvelously original story which unfolds in increasingly unheard of ways. I shall keep you informed.”.
At this point I would venture to say that on a massive scale, people were at least as stunned as I was. I don’t watch t.v. too much, so to me this seemed like a pretty crazy movie. Maybe that’s all it was; a movie whose title I’d missed.
The earlier CNN spokesperson had been replaced by a more responsible face, saying “again, ladies and gentlemen, we are here with this unprecedented story that evolves by the moment. We are now certain that all t.v. stations world-wide are experiencing these program breaks, in each country the astounding and unbelievable news being brought in the language of that country. The story is extremely unstable from two perspectives: we at CNN have already been notified by various government agencies of the extreme sensitivity of this event for security reasons. The other perspective, concerning the ages of the alleged mother/father is equally disturbing for the simple reason that it’s impossible to believe! These “parents” are one year old each!!! Who would spread such foul stories in such a manner? I ask you. I mean, this, to me, seems the most insidious and morally putrid act, for which whoever is responsible, and I’m sure there’s many many people behind this, should be dealt with in the severest form allowed by law! This is an outrage beyond…”
Again, with a soft click, the voice said: “people of the world. Obviously, we’ve known of this event for a long time. Longer than nine months. Through the voice of the mother, the infant let us know that certain people, besides the medically trained staff here to assist with the birth, needed to be at hand. These are reporters and t.v. crews, which amazingly enough, showed up on their own accord at precisely the right time, saying only that they knew.”. The screens world-wide suddenly came to life, showing a group of people as varied as a circus scene. The center of attention was a small group with microphones and t.v. cameras huddled around a small table. The voice explained: “People of the world. We are at the point of introducing you to the infant. The mother and father have modestly declined being interviewed on camera, saying only that their joy is boundless!”.
At this point a microphoned young woman wearing only eyeglasses spoke; “Yeah, isn’t this just too much?”. She was obviously extremely happy. Smiling ear to ear, she radiated her feelings of joie de vivre. “I’ve only but glimpsed the infant, but let me tell you, it’s beyond magic! Tiny tiny tiny. There’s a huge magnifying lens on one side of the Petri-dish, where the infant is on a cosmic jell. I kid you not! It told me so! Smiling so big, you wouldn’t believe it, and said ‘it’s cosmic jell’ to my question about the goop it was laying on. So, anyway, it made me so happy, such a beautiful voice, the infants’, like all the roses blushing… I tell you! And when I looked through the magnifier Lord, I pee’d myself. I just couldn’t help it. The infant looks like this tiny tiny tiny and beautiful beautiful beautiful Barbie Doll. With an, oh, I can’t stand it, with an erection! So relaxed and radiant and just so happy…”.
Suddenly, again with a soft click, the Senior CNN talking head appeared. Obviously also watching his monitor, he was slack-jawed when abruptly the scenes changed. For a long moment he just looked at the camera, visibly attempting to control his afce.face. He simply got up and walked away, turning back after a few steps. “This is the biggest outrage ever, Ladies and Gentlemen! Not only the content to which we are subjected! More disturbing is the fact that we don’t have any control over what’s going on! We can’t turn this program off!!! I’ve mentioned before the grave risk to security this event is exposing. It has come to our attention that the world governments are scrambling to find where this broadcast is coming from. We’ve been told to somehow stop it, turn it off or whatever! Anything! Nothing seems to work. From the highest sources we have been told that this is nothing but a smut movie broadcast by a new terrorist group from somewhere. That their aim is to psychologically disturb the wholesome masses with outrageous lies. And to subvert all communication networks. They seem to be succeeding. We can’t turn them off. We are told that it’s impossible to turn off any television set anywhere, and if your t.v. happens to be off, it turns on automatically whenever this “voice” comes on. The idea of having everybody destroy their television sets is being debated, but obviously that’s stupid; out whole culture is at stake here! At this moment officials at the highest levels are saying that, we, the people, have enough common sense, enough dignity and enough religious fervor to just know that a tiny Barbie Doll with an (and at this point the commentator turned sheet-white) erection and the sweetest voice (he grimaced) has to be a computer-generated trick of some very sick minds! We, at CNN, only wish to add that we sincerely hope that your children are not..” and again the soft click replaced him.
“People of the world (hereafter referred to as POtW or POW’s for short) as the young woman was saying earlier, the infant is tiny. We are at this moment helping him/her, as it appears that indeed the infant is hermaphroditic, into position, where it will be able to speak to us. This is an extremely delicate task, given the size of the baby. Another moment, yes , there, we are able now to show you the incredible baby.”, and a blurred image appeared, stabilizing in a second, to show a table with a round object in the middle. As the lens zoomed in, it became the Petri-dish, and as it zoomed closer, a tiny figure appeared.
Blank. Soft click, and the CNN spokesperson caught, this time, swearing. Turning red in the face, to the camera he said; “I don’t think I have to apologize, being made to see something I would never want to see on my own. Being forced to look at some sick minds’ creation, well fuck, this isn’t my idea of a joke! In these last half hour forty-five minutes, we’ve witnessed a profound miscarriage, or abuse, if you will, of the honorable institution known collectively as television. Now, don’t give me any lines about freedom of speech and artistic license! These freedoms apply only when the audience is voluntary. What we have here is a captive audience! POW’s he calls us!!! The nerve of these monsters!!!
I, for my self, was totally absorbed. Mesmerized. The whole idea of it all, I just couldn’t believe it! One year olds having a tiny, almost microscopic baby! My mind was spinning. Then the eyeglass lady who pee’d so easily! And… A perfect, tiny Barbie! Alive!!!
“Who in their right minds” CNN was continuing, “would want to see Barbie with an erection?”.
I only smiled at this old geezer.
“Ladies and Gentlemen, this just over the wire: Osama Bin Laden allegedly saying this whole “stunt” is the work of the White House to tarnish his good name. Will somebody please tell me what’s going on? Tarnished? Bin Ladens’ good name???
And with a soft click, there it was! A perfect tiny living Barbie, beaming a huge smile. The camera zoomed in on the face, and it cleared its’ throat. It said: “no name for me, please. Of necessity, we could use I.B. for Incredible Baby, ja?’, and the smile got even bigger and brighter… “So. We decided on this kind of a birth so that instantly everyone would know. THIS is something unusual, ja? My Mom and Dad just babies also. Ja? Impossible, ja? Well. Nothing is impossible. Everything si possible.”. Beautiful Barbie lips gliding over moist teeth as smile danced around. Eyes sparkling. “Everything. Even, supposedly intelligent people saying it’s a computer generated trick. This beautiful Barbie. Who needs a computer? Go to Wal Mart, that’s all. Well. The erection was a nice touch, ja?” The smile just hugely impish…
I was had. Totally. I was so in love with this living Barbie, I couldn’t believe it. As the screen again changed, I went and urinated in the kitchen sink.
“Who is this I.B. asshole?!? Telling us we’re supposedly intelligent!!! How do we stop this nonsense?”. CNN was getting agitated.
I.B.s’ face got serious. “You are in deep trouble. Everybody. The whole planet. I could tell you, but you wouldn’t believe it. Just like now. So many of you think this is a movie. Computer-generated junk. Who has the kind of technical computer knowledge to manipulate every television monitor in the world like this? I ask you, ja? And still, millions of you think this is a computer generated movie.”. Barbie was visibly getting sad.
I felt nervous. Something about movies, about how Barbie got serious. Then sad. Uneasy. And the guy at CNN. He was just doing his job, but was his reality really that narrow? Maybe I was just tired. I could hear the wind howling outside. Could feel the dust blowing through the harsh desert of the night.
A quiet click and CNN was back on.
“Ladies and Gentlemen, this is the toughest night I can remember. Improbable, is the word. A bunch of improbable fertilizer is the first impression. But we’ve been a captive audience for quite some time now, and that in and of itself says volumes. The different government agencies constantly on the line with us, that says volumes. The fact that the Internet doesn’t seem to be affected by this is interesting. The fact that over the last hour we have received zero e-mails from our viewing audience is downright disturbing! What’s going on out there? Are all of you so stunned, so intrigued, that the cat’s got your tongue? Do I need to unleash the Savage Michael on you to bring you back to your senses? Here’s this THING, this FREAK, this Barbie doll with a penis – hello?!? – a PENIS? – that’s tied up the entire television network of the WORLD, and not a peep out of you? What??? Are you buying into this b.s. that we’re in deep trouble? Speak to me , people. I can’t navigate this improbable b.s. by myself. It’s, I shouldn’t say this, in my position, with my experience, la de dah, but it’s too much, ja? Fuck! Now I’m even saying ‘ja’!”. The commentator glared at the camera, but you could see it, he was asking, in a strange way he was pleading; he was silently saying “please tell me this isn’t true”…
I was beginning to feel the same distance I’d feel when driving drunk, the same disconnect between body and mind. The setting in of numbness that you can’t control, and you catch yourself saying “oh well”. Was I gonna disconnect on I.B. also?
I.B. said “This whole movie thing, it’s what actually started the trouble a long time ago. Just like now you can’t believe what’s on t.v. in front of your eyes because it’s a movie, you got hooked when you began believing that the movie was real and the actor you was really you, when then, in reality, you were simply an actor in a movie. You’re actors in a movie watching a movie and thinking you’re real… But, I’m not Barbie I.B. to tell you that. To shake you out of these doldrums, to show you that indeed this show is the reality of now, I’m going to give you one more thing to consider.”
Again, a mischievous smile, a grin, appeared on I.B.s’ face, spreading, like fire to all around it. “Two minutes from now, at exactly 12:12 AM, every motor vehicle in the world will stop, ja? That, perhaps, will shake you out of your movie mode.”.
And I.B. was gone.
I began digging in my left nostril.
Cnn was furiously scared. He wanted to be furiously mad, but his eyes kept darting around here and there, as if looking for a place to hide. Sweat was on his forehead that technicians didn’t have time to wipe off.
I was considering. This was pretty much getting down to real time. Was it a movie holding me spellbound or not? In two minutes we’d all know. Just in case, I should tell Nica that I’d had a dream about Adolf and the Sacred Penis.
“So vivid I don’t know where what stops!”. CNN was fidgeting. Picking his nose. Apparently no longer aware that this was international t.v.. And dumbly, the crew kept real-time filming him…”So now in a minute and something, we can look out our windows to see if all cars have stopped. What have we been sucked into?!?”.
I.B. was absently thumbing his left nostril.
Something about the atmosphere around planet Earth; no matter where you were from, eventually you’d reach for the nose.
I was trying to figure out what kind of deep doo-doo we were in besides the obvious.
President Bush yelled at Putin on the other end of the Secure Phone Line (a.k.a. S.P.L.), spitting at his wife in the process, “You gay or what!?!”.
President Karzai secretly wished Hussein was still alive.
Paris Hilton smiled at herself in the mirror and then frowned.
The Israeli Parliament decided to gas all Palestinians. “We have the experience!” someone boasted.
In Philadelphia, the Viet Namese Mafia grabbed an Italian white girl off the street and took her to a basement where after repeatedly raping her they cut her head off and kept violating her, especially in the two new throat openings. They shot videos of all this and, along with a challenging note which, in so many words, said “if you boys still think you’re crazier than we are” delivered them to their Italian Mafia friends with whom turf wars were being fought.
At 12:12AM every vehicle on planet Earth stopped.
At CNN a dead silence as it became evident that tiny Barbie knew something new.
Paris Hilton moved her left foot.
President Putin yelled; “man, you a genius!”, to which Bush replied, gazing serenly at the ceiling, “Vlad, don’t be a fool! I have two daughters”. His wife fled. Grinning sheepishly, he added; “You know, we’re both short, Vlad.”. Vlad replied; “George. Today is a very lucky day for you. I put a virus in your ear, George, through the phone, George. And this virus is going to help you begin thinking. I know you think you know how to think, but you are mistaken. In a few days, George, you will see. It will hurt, and no longer will you be able to just be stupid… One day you will thank me, George. For this virus. Good bye.”. And Putin hung up. George slapped his knees, dropping the phone to the floor, and yelled after his fleeing wife “I should let him be the Head of the CIA!”.
I.B. said something about everybody getting vacuumed up to another planet resembling in every detail planet Earth, but unfortunately I woke up at this point, feeling a need for a cigarette. No matter how hard I tried to get back into the same dream later on, I couldn’t. The rest of the night was wasted.
Subscribe to:
Comments (Atom)
